I'm too sexy for this blog.

So, I guess it would appear that I ended up taking an extended "blogging break." Although to call it a "break" might imply it was all carefree & vacation-like. Not so much. I'll tell you what -- if *this* is what a vacation feels like, I think I'll pass on that trip to the Caymans thankyouverymuch.

Let's start with something that actually was fun: the wedding. I still don't have my personal photos developed (I forgot the digital & used a disposable - UGH!), but I found a couple floating around on the internet. Wish they showed my full get-up & not just my impossibly-tall-bangs, but what can you do?

The wedding itself was movie star themed -- something only that could only be properly pulled off by a group of professional wrestlers! The wedding party was simply instructed to wear red & to select a star to emulate. I chose Dita Von Teese mostly because I thought doing the 40s glam thing would be too much fun. I wore a long red, strapless Vera Wang gown (beautimous!) with a black faux sable wrap, elbow length white gloves, & pearl/diamond accessories (earrings, necklace, bracelets, hair clip, & clutch). I wish I could come up with an excuse to wear this costume again, because it KILLED.

(Psst! That's me, directly to the right of the bride...)

A few fun stories about others in the bridal party: one bridesmaid, while beautiful, was 5 months pregnant & wore a skin tight lycra dress anyway. Immediately following the ceremony, she wisely changed out of her heels -- & into fuzzy bunny slippers; another bridesmaid discovered that her zipper was broken -- so she just used the hook at the top and left the zipper wide open to her ass throughout the entire ceremony & reception; the bride's dress was so tight that the zipper blew out before the ceremony began -- so we superglued the zipper closed while it was on her body! It was a mermaid style dress, so this proved to make going to the bathroom a challenge for the rest of the evening. Quite the group, we were.

The wedding was held in a cool old movie theatre, built in the 20s & rumored to be haunted. ::insert evil laugh:: Their names were on the marquee outside (they spelled her name wrong!) & the "Coming Soon" posters included giant photos of the bride & groom.

The ceremony itself was traditionally Catholic -- if you overlooked the fact that those in attendance included various superheroes, Jessica Rabbit, Vincent Vega, & Raoul Duke (Depp ala Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas), among others! Once the groom kissed the bride, however, all bets were off regarding "tradition"-- the recessional? All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight by Hank Williams, Jr. Oh yes, it was!

The reception included the usual wedding fare -- assorted finger foods, a towering cake, LOTS of alcohol, scattered dancing, & large groups of smokers clustered outside all the exits. It was quite the little party with the wine bottles empty & the keg floated just after 11pm -- but far be it for THAT to discourage THIS group. Oh hells, no! The wedding party, along with about two dozen guests, moved 10 miles to the west & gambled 'til dawn at the Horseshoe Casino (f/k/a Caesar's).

Highlights of the reception: somebody set up a "gimmick table" in the lobby -- complete with 8X10 wrestling photos of the bride & groom, T-shirts, & DVDs marked XXX & titled to imply they were the honeymoon escapades on film (they actually contained bootleg copies of the movie, The Wrestler). Best part? The guy actually SOLD these items at their wedding & KEPT THE CASH. Bwahaha!!!; two impersonators crashed the best man's toast-- one dressed as the groom's wrestling persona & the other dressed as the bride's -- awesomeness ensued!

There was so much about this wedding that was simply unbelievable, but in the end it was just wonderful celebration of their love, a ton of fun, & -- I promise you -- an event that those in attendance will never forget! I'm so glad that she allowed me to take part!

Well, I've rambled enough for today. I suppose I will hold off on the tales of Stephanie's Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Luck. Hopefully I will get that posted, ya know, this MONTH.

I guess we will just have to wait & see!

No need to send a search party.

Um... HI!

I'm alive.

And have stories.

But no photo evidence. Which, trust me, I'm gonna need for these stories. I keep waiting to post thinking TODAY Cyndi (the bride) will email the pics. Yeah, still waiting. Ugh.

Teasers: side-boob cleavage, Batman smokes, 2 broken zippers, gimmick table, bride/groom impersonators, midnight road trip, & ROCK STAR KICK! You'll just have to wait & see...

In other news:

1. Brent & Halfpint are obsessed with moving back to Louisville. It does sound tempting.

2. Layoffs expected to begin in April at my workplace. I'll be shocked if I'm not axed.

3. I am appalled by the number of typos, grammar faux pas, & punctuation flubs in my resume. I blame lack of sleep & post-pregnancy hormones since that was the last time I updated the thing. But seriously? Oh. My. Gawd. Twas bad.

4. I am in the middle of an UBER top secret project that involves a RIDICULOUS amount of planning but is fantastically EXCITING and I wish I could tell you all about it here BUT I'm afraid that someone would read about it here who SHOULDN'T and therefore CAN'T but OMIGOSH it is killing me not to go on and on ad nauseum about the whole thing here BUT I will say that I got a GREAT piece of information relating to it today and that I'm BURSTING AT THE SEAMS ARGHHHH!

5. Halfpint had his first classroom presentation today & I hope it went well. He wanted to do a report on Obama (had to be a president). We rehearsed it tirelessly so I hope it went well. He was so cute trying to correctly pronounce a couple of the big words (constitutional... seriously y'all... too cute...).

6. Miss Izzy is walking. Like really & truly walking. A part of me has now DIED. Wah.

Well, I'm sure there's more to discuss &/or ramble about incoherently, but I'm already late for a photo shoot (which sounds WAY more glamorous than it is in reality). Regardless! Hopefully I'll have wedding photos soon & can regale you with tales of a pro wrasslin' wedding.

Phil is an asshole.

25 Things About Me

Gaytha tagged me, like, DAYS AGO & I'm just now getting to this. I could regale you with the tales of ice removal that have kept me away all week (WOOHOO! That would be a HOOT, yes?!), but instead I'll just get right to business...


1. I am the eldest of three kiddos (2 girls, 1 boy - that order). I was such a royal pain in the ass that my parents originally planned to HAVE NO MORE CHILDREN DEAR GAWD, but in the end just waited six years to have another. #3 was an oopsie-daisy-anniversary-celebration-gift. Something of which I'm sure to remind him regularly.


2. I have four piercings in my right ear and one in my left. This is important only in proving that I am (a) a child of the 80s, and (b) was a clueless 13 yr old who pierced the "wrong" ear multiple times before realizing the error.


3. I had my belly button pierced for about 2 hours in 1998. I decided at 11pm (do I really need to qualify that I was DRINKING at the time?) that I had to get it pierced right that second no I couldn't wait until the next day & -- skip this part if you're squeamish -- I grabbed an ice pack, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, & a curved upholstery needle & proceeded to PIERCE IT MYSELF while sitting on the edge of the tub. Yes. I did. It looked fine, but about two hours later I decided I didn't really want the piercing & took it out. Luckily, I didn't lose a chunk of skin to infection. I do still have a tiny scar & indent above my BB from the experience. Funny thing is, I hated the shape of my BB prior to the piercing & actually like it now BECAUSE of the little top lip to the BB the indent created. I call it my ghettofabulous belly button plastic surgery.


4. I despise any form of bouncy exercise: aerobics, tae bo, jazzercise, turbo jam, etc. I am not a bouncy person personality-wise & it all seems very, I dunno, falsely cheerful to me. I especially hate that the DVD leaders are all "Come on! You can do it! WOO!" Makes my skin crawl.


5. I hate any type of fruity/sweet on meat. Pineapple on teriyaki chicken or pizza? Ugh. Brown sugar & apple cider on baked ham? Ewww. Sweet & sour chicken? I rather eat dirt.


6. Gambling of any form is painful. I love casinos, horse races, & the like. But putting my hard earned money down as a wager will make me break out in a cold sweat. My stop-loss is $20 per trip. Even then, I do things in a very cover my ass sort of way. I put $20 in my pocket before I walk in the door. I never bet more than $2 at a time. If I win, half the pot goes in my pocket & half goes in my wallet. If I lose, I can only play from what is in my pocket. NEVER NEVER NEVER PULL FROM THE WALLET! This occasionally works out poorly ($20 of straight losses only lasts about 10 minutes at a casino), typically ends up a wash (win some lose some at a casino can last a couple/few hours at a casino BUT you also drink free all night & leave with the same cash you came with), but once in a blue moon it works out pretty darn well (play & drink free all night plus leave with $250).

7. I hate my middle name. Gaylene. I was named for my mom's younger sister, Lynette Gaylene. Why she didn't pick Lynette I will never grasp. Anyway, she died from colon cancer (that had taken over her liver before detected) at 40ish. I think it was 42, but for the life of me cannot remember off hand. Regardless, I am glad to be named after her. I just wish it were via her first name.

8. If I had been a boy, I would've been name Monte. I can only imagine the ketchup jokes that would've plagued me throughout grammar school.

9. I am incapable of remembering my age. Sometime after 21 it just stopped mattering. I'm always "I'm 35. No wait. 36? Let's see... 2009-1972... 37! Hold on, my birthday is in September. 36! Yes! 36!" People look at you kinda strange when you can't remember how old you are.

10. I refuse to allow my daughter to own &/or wear anything emblazoned "Princess" or "Diva" especially if said verbiage is printed across the ass. She should not cross me on this one.

11. My mother never allowed me to wear head to toe black until I turned 18. For example, black prom dresses were out of the question (too mature). Black T-shirt meant no black jeans. Black jeans meant no black shirt. The latter two was because she said only druggies and art critics dressed in all black. There you have it. In her defense, based on my feelings regarding #10, I kinda get it now.

12. When I was about 6 or 7 yrs old, I'd get up at the crack of dawn on Saturdays to watch cartoons. As such, my mom would place my baby sister in her playpen in the living room for me to watch while they (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) "slept in." She once ate her own poop while under my watch. She will love me for telling you that.

13. I've been working on this list of 25 things for almost 2 hours & am JUST NOW to the halfway point. I'm thinking this may take a couple days to get posted.

14. I only use non-black ink pens. My favorite is blue, although I'm also fine with purple or green. I don't like using black because it blends in with whatever was printed on the paper & I like my comments to stand out.

15. I have a follow up appointment with the Quack Weight Doc on Tuesday. I'm afraid that he won't give me anymore pills & that will make me sad. I want to lose 5 more pounds before the wedding & am afraid the loss will either stall out or reverse to a gain without the pills. JUST ONE MORE MONTH PLEEEASE!!!

16. We have a mouse in our garage. A mouse so large I think with a saddle Miss Izzy could take it for a ride around the block. I am not good with mice. They ook me out. They also cause me to use stupid words like "ook" and to make very girly squealing sounds. This particular mouse has been caught on glue traps in our garage twice. It is so large that it managed to pull them off and escape. I am investing in rat traps. At least 12.

17. I am happily experimental with hair colors. I've been blond, red, brown, & black in addition to multiple variations of stripes including purple/blond/dark brown at the present. I will not, however, experiment with haircuts. Color can be repaired. A cut cannot. Therefore I have boring, quite long & straight hair. But did I mention purple stripes?

18. I changed my major from biomedical engineering to journalism-public relations during my junior year in college. I decided I just didn't want to take anymore damn math & that was that. That was a fantastic decision. Reeeeally been happy with it this week while throwing ice melt & shoveling snow.

19. I don't get the obsession with Elvis. He was cute when young, fine. I like a few of his songs enough. But I just don't grasp the worship thing shared by many.

20. I used to love escargot. LOVED. I haven't eaten it in several years. I woke up one day & was like "Oh my GAWD! I'm eating SNAILS. That is just FOUL!" I always knew they were snails. I don't know why of a sudden my opinion on them changed. But it did. And I kinda want to hurl even thinking about eating them in a past life. Because seriously. SNAILS, PEOPLE!!!

21. I am missing nine of my acrylic nails. I would pop off the lone survivor, but it was replaced last week & therefore isn't budging. It looks pretty stupid, too.

22. My son used to have a pet crawfish named Scooter. He loved that damn thing. It died after escaping his bowl the same day we sprayed for insects in the house. He got into the poison & that mud bug became a dead bug. First off, imagine the terror of discovering an empty crawfish bowl. While barefoot. Next, imagine creeping around the house with a set of tongs in one hand while wearing cowboy boots, boxers & a satin jammie top trying to locate said crawfish (that you think is alive) without being mutilated by its tiny but effective pinchers. It was comical, I'm sure.

23. We have professional photos of Halfpint at a few weeks old, 3 mos, 6 mos, 9 mos & 12 mos. We have professional photos of Miss Izzy at a month old. Yeah, that's it. Just at a month old. She is now 10 mos old. The whole second kid gets the shaft thing? Alive & kicking at Casa Albright.

24. DisneyWorld is without a doubt one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. Not DisneyLAND. I really, really don't like that one. DisneyWORLD. In Florida. It's A Small World is my most favoritest ride. Pirates of the Caribbean comes in a close second.

25. I am completely & totally relieved that I'm finally at #25... I'm off to get my vehicle detailed. It has been totally abused all week. My husband informs me that it wasn't a wise decision to use a $48k vehicle as a work truck to haul & distribute ice melt & sand. I am thinking he has a point...

Progress?

A while back, I mentioned a little project I like to call "O:GYJB." I would link to it here, but I'm posting from my phone. Read: LAZY.

In summary, Operation: Get Your Job Back is Brent's quest to either get back with WWE or start a new relationship with closest competitor TNA.

In a fit of utter short-sightedness, we mailed the promo packages to each company a week or two before Christmas. Thus, the odds were that either a) they would get lost in the mail, b) they would arrive, but get buried under mail that accumulated over the holiday, &/or c) would arrive, get reviewed, then totally forgotten due to holiday celebrations/absentmindedness.

Luckily, none of the worst case scenarios came to pass. Both packages arrived (albeit a tad slowly) & ended up in the appropriate hands.

Jim Cornette of TNA called unprompted to say he would take them to Jeff Jarrett (the one with the hiring power) on Jan 11th. Then Jimmy also called around the 15th to say he'd made one helluva pitch to hire Brent & that Jarrett would take a look at everything that weekend. Jimmy said we should have a definitive answer late next week (the week of their next TV taping). So that's somewhat promising.

Brent left a few VMs & emails for Mark Carrano at WWE - finally got an email response about 2 weeks ago saying Mark received the package & would take a look soon. Brent emailed again this week & pretty much said "Just following up. Have you had a chance to look at the video? Anxious to get the ball rolling. Anything else you need, give me a call." Mark wrote back "No, I think I've got everything. I'll pass it along to Johnny." Johnny "Ace" Laurinitis is the head of talent, but everything goes through Mark for weeding out & whatnot. Brent spoke to Punk, wondering if he should contact JL directly - Punk said no, just wait it out with Mark. So I'm not feeling terribly positive about this one. Johnny is easier to convince in person, so Brent hopes to get a meeting set up the weekend of Wrestlemania. They'll both be in Houston. We will see...

Miss Izzy raises the roof, yo

I do not dance. Ever.

My husband does not dance, except to make fun of other people dancing. Even then? Rare.

My son, bless his heart, really shouldn't dance. It is entertaining to watch, yes. But I would prefer that people not laugh at my boy. Just sayin'.

My daughter is a dancer. It blows my mind. I have no idea where she picked it up, but if there is music in the air -- be it by CD, television jingle, or twinkling toy -- she is dancing. She dances when standing, she dances while eating, she even dances while strapped into a car seat. More impressive is that at 10 months old, she dances to the beat.

My very favorite part, however? Is when she sees she has an audience... & she's all "RAISE THE ROOF!!!"

The State of the Cranium *updated X2*

*Update, final -- with actual NEWS*

I am beyond thrilled to announce that the scan was, for the most part, CLEAR!

The mysterious growth is *POOF* -- Gone! The doctor said he can't guess what it was or where it went, but it is no longer there. Yay!

The scan did reveal some deformities in his nose/sinus area that will need to be surgically corrected when he is older &/or when they begin to cause significant problems.

To simplify, here's what we saw on today's cat scan review...

So, in summary! YAY! MY KIDDO IS FINE!!!

I maintain that the doctor is still a giant peeface.

*Update, sort of*

So I still don't really have any news. Fantastic.

I called the doctor's office three times today asking for information. Three times I apologized for being a pest, but explained that I am just very worried about my son due to the sighting of an UNEXPLAINED MASS IN HIS HEAD. Three times the nurse assured me that she would call me as soon as she received the all clear from the doctor.

The nurse finally called about 2:30pm. The doctor wants to meet with me on Wednesday morning to go over the results. I asked if everything was okay. She said that the doctor did not tell her anything -- just that he wanted to meet in person to discuss the findings. I asked if Halfpint should attend. She said "No."

I'm pretty much as mad as can be. If everything is fine, why not say so? You know, "Everything looks good, but the doctor would still like to meet on Wednesday to go over the results." If it is NOT FINE... why are we waiting until five days after the scan to find out?! It is just cruel & heartless either way.

So I guess I'll let you know how things go on Wednesday. Until then, you can find me under the bed. Possibly with a bottle of rum. And a straw.

******************************

I don't have any news, but felt like I should at least give an update.

We saw the specialist this morning at 11 -- in summary, he said that X-rays don't provide clear enough detail for him to know what the SPOT is. Therefore, he sent us to the hospital for C.T. scan of Halfpint's head.

Our appointment was for 12:45, but in typical hospital fashion, we were seen around 2pm. Halfpint thought the scanning machine was super cool & continues to brag about the experience. As soon as the scan was complete, he shot up & ran into the room where the tech sat. (I'm guessing this is a no-no. Oops.) As such, I was able to ALSO visit the room & steal a look at the noggin scans. They, uh, looked like brains & stuff. So yeah, not terribly helpful since I can't read 'em. The tech said that the doctor would have the scans within the hour & would possibly call today by 5pm with the results.

He didn't call.

I'm taking that as a positive sign -- the results were so totally inconsequential that he figured he'd just call on Monday. Giant booger it is, right?!

Anyway, I'll be sure to post as soon as I know anything more.

Thanks for all the love & support!

Avoiding you because I love you

I've come to realize that when absolutely nothing of importance is going on in my life, I am super awesome about updating this site.

When the shit hits the fan? I tend to hide under the bed.

One of my *thangs* in 2009 has been to get it together, already. You know -- get oil changes on time, keep up with doctor/dental check ups, keep the house picked up, etc.

Friday: Miss Izzy had her 9mo check-up. She had her first shot (the one for the Ps -- polio, pertussis, et al). Her head is on the 95th percentile, her weight on the 25th percentile, & she is the average height of an 18mo. Yowza. That girl is gonna be tall! Everything checked out A-OK. Also, if you caught that it was her first shot, please don't get all up in my grill about it -- it was on purpose & she will have all her immunizations before starting school.

Monday: Halfpint had his first real eye exam. He needed reading glasses. Awesome. $250 later & he is sporting electric blue metal frames that make him look like a real rock star (his words).

Tuesday: Halfpint had a dental check up. Teeth cleaned - check. Cavity free - check. Toothbrush/Goody bag - check. X-ray revealing mysterious dime-sized growth in his noggin - check.

So yeah. Cue Stephanie freaking the fuck out.

I set up an appointment with an otorhinolaryngologist (fancy name for an ear/nose/throat guy) for Friday a.m. The growth is one of two things: a cyst/polyp/no big deal OR the C-word.

I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing. But I am his mommy & thus prone to hand wringing & detailed visions of the very bad.

I will pretty much be a wreck until Friday. At which point I will become instantly fine because IT WILL BE NOTHING BECAUSE IT JUST HAS TO BE.

Eloquent closing something something. The End.

I totally expect zero comments on this one

Since I doubt many (any?) of you actually watch pro wrestling, I will go ahead & explain this picture ahead of time. As such, any shot at this actually being funny will be TOTALLY LOST. Yet, here I am -- posting it anyway!

WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment f/k/a World Wrestling Federation) is the "big dog" in the wrestling world. They pretty much look down on all other wrestling products as "wanna be" companies & NEVER acknowledge their competitors.

TNA (Total Nonstop Action) is the number two company in the wrestling world -- known the world over, but certainly nowhere nearly as successful in the grand scheme of things.

Now. Here's a screenshot of WWE.com from Friday:

See that near the bottom of the screen under the news tab? THAT IS A LINK TO THE RESULTS OF A TNA SHOW! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

WWE laid off about 10% of its home office employees Friday plus a ton of on air talent & I can't help but assume that this was a last minute jab at WWE by someone on his way out the door.

See? Told you it wouldn't be funny if I explained the punchline...

You know it's bad when Amazon emails to say you're fat

I logged into my email this morning to find this message awaiting:

Seriously? Now AMAZON is hurling insults my way? Perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I should see this as supportive. Amazon cares for me so much (smooches!) that it is concerned about my health and well-being.

It couldn't possibly be that he thinks my ass looks big in these jeans. Right?